Depression

I hate depression. 

I've experienced small bits of it and just slight twinges of
that devil but man,
it's horrible.

And when you're in a situation like mine;
father passed away when you were 20, 
mother diagnosed with Parkinson's disease when you were 11, 
no siblings to help, 
living in a foreign country, 
still studying
and still only 22 years old, 
it's pretty easy to fall into it's pits. 


I have learned through many trial and always errors
that you can't force love.
You can't make people care about you or worry about you.

I've spent over a year now trying to find a replacement love
for my dad;
someone who made me feel as special and as loved as he did;
trial and always error. 

I haven't felt safe, taken care of or truly relaxed in about a year and 5 months.

It's so unbelievably hard to live feeling so....
not special, not needed, not loved. 


I know this is so depressing and I know this is just
me going on and on with a pity party but honestly,
I'm the only one living my life
and only God truly knows my pain so if I want to be sad
and have a pity party;

I will.

'I remember it all - oh how well I remember - 

the feeling of hitting the bottom. 

But there's one other thing I remember, 

and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

God's loyal love couldn't have run out,

his merciful love couldn't have dried up. 

They're created new every morning. 

How great your faithfulness! 

I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).

He's all I've got left.' 

Lamentations 3:20-24 (MSG)