Depression

I hate depression. 

I've experienced small bits of it and just slight twinges of
that devil but man,
it's horrible.

And when you're in a situation like mine;
father passed away when you were 20, 
mother diagnosed with Parkinson's disease when you were 11, 
no siblings to help, 
living in a foreign country, 
still studying
and still only 22 years old, 
it's pretty easy to fall into it's pits. 


I have learned through many trial and always errors
that you can't force love.
You can't make people care about you or worry about you.

I've spent over a year now trying to find a replacement love
for my dad;
someone who made me feel as special and as loved as he did;
trial and always error. 

I haven't felt safe, taken care of or truly relaxed in about a year and 5 months.

It's so unbelievably hard to live feeling so....
not special, not needed, not loved. 


I know this is so depressing and I know this is just
me going on and on with a pity party but honestly,
I'm the only one living my life
and only God truly knows my pain so if I want to be sad
and have a pity party;

I will.

'I remember it all - oh how well I remember - 

the feeling of hitting the bottom. 

But there's one other thing I remember, 

and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

God's loyal love couldn't have run out,

his merciful love couldn't have dried up. 

They're created new every morning. 

How great your faithfulness! 

I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).

He's all I've got left.' 

Lamentations 3:20-24 (MSG)

Anger

I have anger problems.

Oh boy, do I have INTENSE anger problems.

I get rage moments that could kill, I swear.

The anger takes over me and I feel the need to let it out
because in my head,
I'd rather the people know I'm angry than if I just keep it
in till I finally blow up all at once some other time.

And when I get angry, everyone will know;

I make no effort to hide it. 

Oh, and jealousy; I definitely get that. 

I am probably one of the most easily made 

jealous people in the world. 

Do NOT test that out. 

'And I know I'm being hateful but that ain't nothing; 

I'm just jealous. 

I'm just human.'

I'm trying so hard to learn to be less like this, 

to learn to be the person the Lord wants me to be; 

a person my father and our Father would be proud of. 

But with all the things going on in my life, 

it's so SO hard. 

When your mother is so very sick and there's no cure or hope 

in sight...

it's easier to say I love God, He is good, He can do all things

in the church than it is in the home. 

Leah<3

I don't want to know

It's so easy to get caught up in issues that don't concern us.
So easy to fall into someone else's business,
especially if you're someone who cares too much. 

But sometimes it's better not to ask questions 

that you don't want the answers to. 

Sometimes, as difficult as it is to let someone go
and to trust them to handle things themselves,
we just have to trust that God has a plan for them
and loves them more than we ever will.

He has it all planned out; our lives in His hand. 

I'm someone who cares a lot about other people.
Has that gotten me in trouble a lot??
Heck yeah! 

But it doesn't stop me.
I don't see it as being a nosy person;
I honestly just want to be there for people
when they need me. 

Sometimes I get easily attached (a lot), 

but that's my burden to bare and I'll handle it. 

At the end of the day,
I just want to help people and try to do what I think
is best for them.


Not always the smartest thing. 


Leah <3

Passion

That is my goal. 

I love seeing passionate people! 

People with that incredible fire for something they love,
something they believe in,
something they stand for
and something they live for. 



Passion is truly beautiful and it really is the ultimate motivation.

Passion isn't motivated by someone else, 

passion isn't brought on by temporary fascination, 

passion is a need, a hunger, a desire!  

We all need a passion for something. Okay, maybe not be super passionate about the wrong things, but just a passion for something productive and inspiring. Music, dance, writing, reading, basketball, football, fashion, health, God, anything! Just have a passion and a drive in life! 

Live with passion, darlings. 

Leah <3